“I’LL NEVER HAVE KIDS,” I SAID.
Famous last words, right? It seems I’ve fallen victim to them as well. But before you start smirking, let me clarify: the kids I’m referring to are of the goat variety. These are the kind of kids I’ve always wanted (as an adult, anyway). And, similar to many human kids, these came into our lives completely unplanned.
I used to say “Wouldn’t it be nice to have some goats?” the same way one may muse about having a superyacht or a personal assistant/minion. Well…DREAMS DO COME TRUE MY FRIEND. (The superyacht is also a personal dream. Hey, if the goats can happen…)
I mean, look at that face. Look at it! I could probably end this post right here and nobody would complain. Let’s face it, most of you who are reading this are probably skimming through all the writing at just scrolling through to the photos. (I’m not judging you if you are, I’d probably do the same.)
Normally, The Roommate and I would do a ton of research before making any significant type of purchase, as any person of sound mind would do. But these kids were, in all honesty, a bit of an impulse purchase. Without a return policy. Not that we would return them even if they became problematic, we’re not inhumane. Case in point: one of our house rabbits, Monty, whom I also adopted as a bit of an impulse decision, has grown to become the most irritating creature on The Farm, humans included. Even though he’s neutered, his amorous advances towards our other rabbit, Ginger, have escalated to the point where his lifestyle is basically eat-sleep-hump-repeat, and he has taken to obsessively marking his territory and basically peeing on you whenever you set foot in his litter area/bunny room. Highly unappealing. And yet, like Ginger, we tolerate him (barely). By the way, if anyone has any advice on how to curb this kind of behaviour, please PLEASE let me know. I’ve tried everything.
Anyway. We had entertained the idea of getting goats for a while, but always held back because we ideally wanted to get baby goats under a month old, in order to hand feed them and nurture a closer bond. But we found out that unweaned kids don’t always readily take to the bottle, which means they could stubbornly starve, or, the mothers may not take them back once they’ve been removed. Naturally, we didn’t want to risk the well-being of any goats and so we put off the idea indefinitely.
Until a week and a half ago. We were notified about two baby goats who had been rejected by their mothers, and were already on the bottle. Did we want them? HELL YES was what I was thinking, but that might’ve been a bit rude to say to a total stranger, so we settled for a restrained and polite “Yes”.
48 hours later, we had two baby goats, both just a week old. And I have to say, they settled in very well almost immediately. They are the cutest, sweetest, and neediest creatures I’ve ever encountered in my life. I’m fully aware that their affection is mostly food motivated, but I’ll take it.
Having been around them for just over a week now, their respective personalities have become quite apparent. The younger of the two (by a mere two days) is more docile, sweeter in nature, and a little more timid and shy than the other. She’s always keen to stick close by and becomes distressed easily when she can’t find her sister. We’ve named her Lady.
Meet Lady.
The other kid is feisty, curious, and a glutton. She will literally try to suckle anything within reach: my nose, my fingers, my hair, any article of clothing, toes…anything. And she’s been blessed with a set of sharp little teeth to make her point, which is mostly “Why aren’t you feeding me”. Now that I’ve seen her aggressive headbutting to get to my imaginary udders and her propensity to bite when denied, it’s no wonder her mother rejected her. Imagine, fresh after giving birth, being constantly rammed hard in the teats and having them bitten even after having fed your child? I dare anyone to say they look forward to that particular aspect of motherhood. We’ve tentatively named her Nibbler, which is probably a charitable description. We could’ve named her Greedy Biting B***h but that just seemed mean. That being said, she’s still very cute, and when not headbutting or biting you for food, quite affectionate. She’s made friends with almost all the other animals on The Farm, and had even attracted the attention of a very curious Mini. I think it was love at first sight - within seconds he was licking her face through the fence, and she was letting him.
Nibbler and Mini, love at first sniff.
If the kids are out roaming the lawns and Mini spots them, he’ll always wander over to say hello, and Nibbler will likewise trot over to get her face licked. I love me some interspecies friendships. I’ve even taken them with me when I walk the dog, Boston, who gets along with basically no one. Amazingly, even he was quite happy to be around them and to have them join us on our evening walks. Late afternoons on The Farm have become quite the sight to behold - it’s not uncommon now to see the dog, the goats, the chickens and the two cows over the fence all hanging out with each other, coexisting peacefully. Sometimes even the local neighbourhood ducks join in. (They’re an old couple who often swim in our pool and stroll around together on the lawns. I like to think that The Farm is something like a Contiki Tour for them.)
I suppose in a way the two kids really are kind of like kids - even their bleats of “MEEEHHHHHH” sometimes sounds like “MOOOOOM” (if you are familiar with Cartman from South Park) and they are so very, very needy at the moment. And while thankfully there are no middle-of-the-night feeds required, The Roommate had very graciously volunteered to do all the early morning feeds as he knows I do NOT do mornings, so props to him for pulling his parental weight, even when sleep deprived and seriously hungover. Nor is he immune to their charms, either. He was a big driving factor in getting these goats, and shortly after we brought them home he turned to me and said “I don’t think I’ve ever seen any kind of baby creature or ANYTHING at all that’s this cute.” This is high praise from someone who once held a baby at arms’ length like it was toxic waste and whose first response when it comes to babies is often a whispered “I don’t want to hold it”. (A classic, in my opinion.)
And so there you have it - two people who are generally uncomfortable with children and highly uncomfortable with the thought of having children now have two kids of their own. I suppose in a way we are similar to some parents, in that you don’t really like any other kids except your own. Human or otherwise.
*Damage control: We actually do like our friends’/family’s kids. Mostly. 😂
